The alarm didn't fail me that morning. Life did.
After waking up three times during the night to feed my baby, I finally dragged myself out of bed at 7 a.m. But as every new mom knows, getting up doesn't actually mean your day begins. The moment I opened my eyes, my baby opened hers too. One feed turned into cuddles, cuddles turned into baby talk, and before I knew it, the clock had declared war on me.
What followed can only be described as an Olympic-level sprint disguised as a morning routine. I started brushing my teeth. Halfway through brushing, I remembered breakfast.
Ran to the kitchen.
Put the tawa on.
Kept the tea to boil.
Ran back.
Finished brushing.
Started getting ready.
Poured chilla batter onto the now-hot tawa.
Packed my office bag.
Filled my water bottle.
Hunted for my socks.
Looked for my office pass.
Forgot where I kept my phone.
Found my phone.
Lost my hair tie.
Found that too.
At this point, I wasn't getting ready for work. I was participating in a survival challenge.
Thankfully, my mother-in-law woke up, took over breakfast, and basically saved me some time. Because this wasn't just another rushed morning. This was my first day back at work after maternity leave. And suddenly, everything felt bigger - The goodbye. The commute. The emotions.The reality.
After somehow making it out of the house, I headed toward the metro station. The entire journey felt strange. For 4 months, my world had revolved around feeding schedules, nap times, burp cloths, tiny socks, and baby smiles. Now I was carrying a laptop bag instead of a diaper bag.
When I reached my office stop and started walking toward the building, something unexpected happened. I noticed my pace. Or rather, the lack of it. Before pregnancy, I was one of those people who walked like they had somewhere important to be.
Now?
People were passing me left, right, and center. The walk that once felt easy suddenly felt long. Really long. And in that moment, it hit me: Motherhood changes you in ways you don't notice immediately. Not all scars are visible. Not all recovery is complete when maternity leave ends.
And then, a few hours into work, I shifted in my chair and felt a familiar ache. Yes, Tailbone pain, AGAIN!
The same pain that had accompanied me through the postpartum months. I had assumed I was mostly healed. After all, life had moved on. The baby was growing up. I was returning to work. Everything should be back to normal, right? Apparently not. My body gently reminded me that healing isn't something you finish. It's something you continue. Quietly. Patiently. Day by day.
Then Came the Hardest Moment - Somewhere between emails and meetings, I took out my phone and video-called home.The screen lit up. And there was my baby. Looking completely unbothered by the fact that her mother was having an emotional crisis from miles away. One tiny smile. One tiny face. And suddenly my heart felt heavy. For the first time, I truly understood what my husband must feel every day when he leaves for work. The longing. The missing. The wondering what they're doing right now. The urge to drop everything and go back home. Mom guilt arrived like an uninvited guest and made itself comfortable.
For a few moments, I sat there questioning everything. Would she miss me? Am I doing the right thing? Should I be here? Should I be home? The truth is, most working mothers don't get perfect choices. We get necessary ones. So I reminded myself of something important. I am not working because I love being away from my child. I am working because I love my child. Because I want to give her opportunities. Security. Experiences. A future filled with possibilities. And sometimes love looks like staying. Sometimes love looks like leaving. And sometimes love looks like boarding a train with tears in your eyes and showing up anyway.
My first day back at work after maternity leave wasn't inspiring at all. It was messy. Chaotic. Emotional. A little painful. It began with half-brushed teeth, It ended with a tired mother realizing that she is still healing, still learning, and still figuring it all out.
And maybe that's what motherhood really is. Not having everything together. But showing up anyway.
Even when your heart is in two places at once. ❤️
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