Childhood events are so important for one's emotional development. A major part of how or what our world will be like as adults depends on it.
Usually, people who've grown up being physically, sexually or emotionally abused tend to adapt unhealthy mental patterns.
Being exposed to abuse for such a prolonged time, I too developed similar behavioral patterns. I had my self esteem badly damaged. I used to consider myself a loser for not raising my voice & take a stand for myself. And you know there's this thing with victimhood - you start becoming comfortable with it. Same was the case with me - I stopped taking responsibility, became too comfortable with sadness, started liking loneliness - a total dysfunctional mindset basically.
I felt I had a birth right to complain, started taking even constructive criticism negatively. Rather than doing something for and about myself, I started feeling sorry for myself. I felt powerless.
All this increased my fear of abandonment even more. I felt stuck in this vicious cycle - afraid of being abandoned yet not allowing anybody get close to me. I had big time attachment issues.
I became so anxious, insecure, cold, and emotionally detached. I still have a hard time trusting anybody in general.
All this is ugly, you know, getting so used to pain that ending your life becomes a desperation. It's terrifying. You learn to just 'deal' with it. It never concludes.
I am also trying, though I've come far in this journey, leaving all these feelings behind, but like I said, it never gets over.
Usually, people who've grown up being physically, sexually or emotionally abused tend to adapt unhealthy mental patterns.
Being exposed to abuse for such a prolonged time, I too developed similar behavioral patterns. I had my self esteem badly damaged. I used to consider myself a loser for not raising my voice & take a stand for myself. And you know there's this thing with victimhood - you start becoming comfortable with it. Same was the case with me - I stopped taking responsibility, became too comfortable with sadness, started liking loneliness - a total dysfunctional mindset basically.
I felt I had a birth right to complain, started taking even constructive criticism negatively. Rather than doing something for and about myself, I started feeling sorry for myself. I felt powerless.
All this increased my fear of abandonment even more. I felt stuck in this vicious cycle - afraid of being abandoned yet not allowing anybody get close to me. I had big time attachment issues.
I became so anxious, insecure, cold, and emotionally detached. I still have a hard time trusting anybody in general.
All this is ugly, you know, getting so used to pain that ending your life becomes a desperation. It's terrifying. You learn to just 'deal' with it. It never concludes.
I am also trying, though I've come far in this journey, leaving all these feelings behind, but like I said, it never gets over.
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| Source: Pinterest |
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